How To Kill Zombies In A Grocery Store

Undead specials on aisles 6, 13, and 25

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Photo credit: Darrin Atkins

I only had to pick up one thing at the grocery store. My lover knew I felt a little uncomfortable about that item, but she wanted me to go find it. So I went.

I don’t know about your local establishment that sells groceries, but mine is full of zombies all the time. And they all seem to want to kill and eat me, not necessarily in that order.

“Just getting one item!" I yelled at the greeter as I rushed in.

She seemed like a nice lady, petite she was, with curly brown hair. But I saw her undead eyes as she turned toward me.

“Would you like to hear about the sale items?" she asked or maybe demanded.

“No thanks! Only here for thirty seconds!"

I knew the rule. This store had over forty employees, all zombies, and there was no need for any of them because you paid by self-checkout. The rule was that you could survive if you got in and out in a hurry, because zombies are slow and humans are fast.

“Thank you for shopping with us today, loyal customers,” said a friendly zombie voice on the ceiling speakers.

“Don’t listen to that," I reminded myself as I hustled to the center of the store.

The zombies were all over the place now, and they looked desperately hungry. They were following me and blocking lanes every which way. I was the only human in the store for sure.

“Fast cars and lovely women," continued the voice.

I stopped, puzzled.

“We’ve got the newest racecar magazines on aisle six."

Okay, they got me on that one. I figured I would make a quick stop to see which periodical had arrived. Besides, there were no zombies in that aisle. That was probably that way for a reason.

I stopped at the magazine section.

“He was right," I said to myself. “It’s the newest issue of Miss Monterey Muscle Trucks Magazine."

Just then four tall agitated zombies crashed through the shelves from aisles five and seven. They looked desperate and came at me with a vengeance.

I turned behind me and grabbed a toilet plunger. I kicked the first zombie in the neck and slammed the round end of the plunger onto his mouth. I pulled it hard and out came a bunch of zombie brains.

“Don’t touch my magazine!" I said as I raced away.

I almost slid right into an overweight zombie with a goatee on aisle 13. He had clothes that matched the colors of the laundry soap boxes, like camouflage.

“That’s using your brain cells,” I said as I raced to find something lethal on the shelf.

I’m not a scientist so I didn’t know what chemicals were dangerous, so I just threw all kinds of disinfectants, sprays and cleaning agents at the zombie and his friends who had joined him.

Then I found a lighter and lighting fluid and sprayed a flame toward them. The chemicals sizzled and then a fireball erupted.

“Get out of here!” I hollered as I rushed away.

I made it to aisle 25. But there was a long line of zombies waiting for me. I tucked my magazine into my back pocket.

I rushed over and broke open some cheap wine bottles so I had some sharp glass pieces as weapons, with the long parts of the wine bottles as handles.

I wanted to get home to my lover, so I was in a hurry now. I ran behind a bunch of zombies and sliced open their necks. Some collapsed to the floor.

When the others turned, I lunged toward them and jammed the broken bottles into their guts.

Other undead zombies started coming from the rest of the store.

I grabbed some heavy batteries and hurled them into their heads, knocking dead the ones I hit.

The last two came at me. I found some heavy bags of ice and I jumped off a ladder and hit them so hard that their heads came off their bodies.

I scanned my payment for the magazine on the way out.

When I got home, my love looked at me.

“Did you get the item?" she asked.

“I forgot it."

“It’s okay," she answered softly. “Sometimes it feels better without the body lotion."

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