How To Kill Zombies With Your Thumbs

It’s an important survival skill

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Photo credit: Darrin Atkins

I had a craving for tacos. I know, I know, I shouldn’t have been thinking about food at that moment.

I was at work. My job was Zombie Killer and that was what I did best, why I got paid good money to do, and why I recently got a promotion.

But I love tacos and it’s a craving I couldn’t resist.

“I’ll make you a deal," I said to myself. “Once you get twenty zombie kills tonight, you can go to your taqueria and buy yourself some tacos.”

Then I started to think of my favorite waitress there, of her beautiful name, Juanita, and her long brown hair, and of her thin pink restaurant uniform blouses.

“Visit me again soon," she said to me last Tuesday. We both knew that we liked each other.

“I want you to tell me why you get all these cuts on your arms," she had teased me. "Do you have piranha fish?”

We both laughed at the thought of that. I mean, it would be so weird to play with piranha fish. They would bite you all day long if they got the chance.

I heard something and I snapped out of my dream. It was time to go to work.

The sun was setting and I could hear zombies move toward me at the place where I kill them every night.

They only send twenty every evening so I know that as soon as I kill them I can go see my lover Juanita and eat my tacos. So I was in a hurry this night.

I leaned back against a cement column and straightened my thumbs on top of my fists.

“Join the undead," said the first zombie as he got close.

“I forgot my membership card," I said as I pounced off the column, flew through the air, and jammed my thumbs into his eyeballs. He was blinded instantly and died.

These zombies had a weird way of existing. They collapsed and died if their bodies became useless, like if they lost vision in both eyes. Of course, they got reborn the next day.

One down and many more zombies to be killed.

The next one, a big bruiser of a zombie, with real anger in his existence, seemed intent on murdering me.

I knew better than to go after his eyes. Instead, I led him over near the lake.

“Die,ugly human,” he said.

“There’s no need for insults. Let’s keep this professional."

I jabbed him with my fists and then he rushed at me. I dodged and pulled out some barbed wire which I swung at his head like a lasso. I ran around a column and then tied the barbed wire so that it did circles around his face and head.

He moaned and I waited while he slipped into some quicksand and soon was dead. I mean dead again.

The next zombies came at me one by one, then two at a time, until at last I was surrounded by them.

I blinded some of them. I went for the throats of others. I used my switchblade on four or five.

At last I was down to my last zombie of the night. I enjoyed using my thumbs to kill zombies, so I continued with the method.

This scrawny zombie came at me moaning something, and I thrust my fist and thumb into his mouth and I ripped out his tongue. It tried to talk again.

“I can’t understand what you’re saying," I said.

I waited, then I punched my thumb hard into his chest and pulled out his heart. He died instantly.

“I think you said you’ll see me again tomorrow."

Well, he was right. I will have to kill them all again and again. It is monotonous work.

But now I couldn’t wait to get to Juanita. And the tacos too.

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